He’d refine the slugging art in our batting order’s heart while the Hammer looks the part with his new knee!

But the prospect is for naught if the influential thought is that the balls that aren’t caught by dear old Fred

Dig him such a value crater that all the bombs and all the taters that he hits to the spectators hold no cred.

Rizzo sits upon his hands, lets the players vent and fans chant their uninformed demands into deaf ears

Because the Nationals need more than 3 infielders to keep the score down to a max of 3 or 4 to win next year.

The Lerner Payroll Formula:
Take the total debt load and divide by gross attendance
Then subtract front office payroll, stamps and paperclip expenses.
Then multiply the difference by Pythagorean wins
(As of May 24th before the bullpen tailspins)
And convert this to yuan at today’s prevailing rate
Then compare to Kansas City’s budget – doesn’t ours look great?

The Shiny Object Clause:
If it’s shiny and expensive, and our fans will eat it up,
Let’s make a phantom budget, bid, then come in runner-up.

Eeny Meanie

(To Ronnie Belliard, on behalf on Nats Journal:
Eeny meanie miny mology
For your place in Nats mythology
Please accept our humble ‘pology
Eeny meanie miny mology)

Eeny meanie miny mode
Belliard the ugly toad
Caused Chernobyl to explode
Eeny meanie miny mode

Eeny meanie miny mawn
How come there’s no fish to spawn?
Belly ate ‘em, now they’re gone
Eeny meanie miny mawn

Eeny meanie miny misis
Belly caused the credit crisis
Selling subprime mortgage slices
Eeny meanie miny misis

Eeny meanie miny med
Belly’s legs are made of lead
So’s his hands and so’s his head
Eeny meanie miny med

Eeny meanie miny mutt
Belly plays like Jabba Hutt
Squashes grounders with his butt
Eeny meanie miny mutt

Eeny meanie miny mild
When you gonna have that child?
Been gestating quite a while
Eeny meanie miny mild

Eeny meanie miny milli
Blaming Belly is so silly
Seems to work so what the hilly
Eeny meanie miny milli

Bandwagon Nats Fans

Two ardent young fans of the Nats
Could care less about Austin’s stats
They’re age three and four
And love their ador -
Able pink curly W hats.

They come to the park and eat ribs
And chow down on brownies and Dibs
Which I hold in my sway
‘Til the Nats make a play
They cheer, and then eat like pigs

So Nationals games equal candy
(As long as they do something dandy)
For instilling esteem
Of the hometown team
Boy chocolate sure comes in handy!

Do bribes make them bandwagoneers?
Or pink hats that come down past their ears?
The big Church of Baseball
Has all kinds of faithful
Some just more tender in years

Gimme Some Glavine

So the Braves can find no use for Glavine?
Guess they think he’s all broke down and spavined.
That a man of such stature
Would be put out to pasture
Is a shame – but I’d sure love to have him!

Hubris

If you were to Google
“Closer Mike MacDougal”
You’ll find the hits are pretty frugal

If you try your search again
with “Yankee Joba Chamberlain”
Amazing how the hits roll in

Now go ahead and slam in
“Nats Pitcher Craig Stammen”
It’s a veritable hit famine

Having gathered all those stats in
Now softly, sweetly tap in
“Yankees lose and Nats win”

You’ll find the Daily News a-yappin’
“How the hell could this have happened?
They’re the team we took a crap in!

And when did all our hitters
Turn into bailing quitters?
I am bitter – bitter – bitter!”

Oh sweet Bessie how I love it
The unbridled hubris of it
They can take their team and shove it

Go Nats!

We are going to sweep the yankees, win 40 games in a row to get above 500..make it to and win the world series, and then they will make a blockbuster movie about the 2009 Nats.

It will be titled the

NATS

…the team that made the greatest comeback in the history of man kind.

And a few days ago Tracee Hamilton posted this awesome title to NJ: Haunted by Lastings Milledge.

I could not let this material go to waste. I posted this earlier this AM but haven’t seen it hit NJ yet, could be the ganja reference?

NATS: The Team That Made The Greatest Comeback In The History Of Mankind

In June of ought-nine while the weather was fine
In NatsTown big trouble was brewing.
The fans did lament the Nat’s winning percent-
Age and cried “They don’t know what they’re doing!
Those Lerners and Stan – they don’t have a plan,
they’re just Gawd-awful nickel-and-dimers!”
But one fateful night the Nats fortunes took flight
when they called one man up from the minors.

Stan fired Riggs, and replaced him with Dibs;
On the flight to New York fired Acta.
And taking a hint from NJ, fired Clint
Just to complete the trifecta.
One last call was made, and in secret was laid
The groundwork for Nationals glory.
(A genius recluse boards a plane from the ‘Cuse
And steps to the front in this story.)

When he met the press Stan said “Let me address
The rumors of Manny’s departure:
We finally tired of of his ganja supplier
Jacking the price of our sparker.
That weed was the best – oh but I digress
(What, you thought he was just overmatched
By some stupid ump? the dude was so crunked
That the ball looked like 8 grams of hash.)

Let me introduce, fresh from Syracuse
The leader of our little village –
Our new lineup wielder -
Our old center fielder –
I give you now – Lastings Milledge!”
With a wave of his hand, Stan gave Milledge command
Of the rickety ship they were sailing,
But quick as that night Lastings put all to right
And cured every last ill that was ailing.

Milledge told Guzman “You want us to lose, man?
Or are you gonna play second base?”
Milledge then caused him to take infield ad nauseum
‘Til Guzman at last took his place.
So started the reign of King Milledge Met-Bane
And everyone fell into line then.
Johnson played right – Dunn would pitch every night
Or wherever King Milledge assigned them.

The Yanks found they all swung and missed at the ball
Whether Stammen or Harris was throwing
And every swing scorched a shot to the right porch
When the sacrifice bunt sign was showing.
The Red Sox up next were equally hexed
With the Nats in the opposite dugout;
Seeing big Adam Dunn throw a hundred and one
Made poor li’l Pedroia’s eyes bug out.

Back home the change was deep and far-ranged:
As the wins piled up so did viewers;
The park was sold out when it wasn’t too cold out,
And the ratings emerged from the sewers.
Wins upon victories – never in history
Had any seen ought that approached it
And every team tried to wriggle inside
The head of King Milledge who coached it
But to no avail – all who tried failed
To discern any method or pattern.
As far as they knew the man wasn’t a human –
he may as well hail from Saturn.

The Nats kept on streaking with no sign of peaking
As twenty straight grew up to thirty
And the umps who had dissed ‘em now couldn’t resist ‘em
And gave them calls often and early.
Their record soon evened, past Balto and Cleveland
They clawed their way into contention
And the scribes lent an ear and soon “X of the Year”
Bids were flying with Nats being mentioned.

What’s left to say? We all know the way
That the story played out through October:
The Nationals swept both the Phillies and Mets
And no one in DC was sober
When our Nats left the Yankees to their pinstriped hankies
Dabbing at eyes filled with tearage
As Milledge claimed his crown as the King of NatsTown –
And the Nats put all others in steerage!

Manny Cannot Manage

Manny cannot manage
Til the Man with all the Plannage
Can reverse the awful damage that was wrought

By the bloody MLBleeps
Who fleeced the team like sheep
And took all the talented people that we’d got.

Imagine Acta were to say,
“Belly I’m benching you today
Cuz I didn’t like the way you ran to first.”

Belly can bide his time
While he’s riding on the pine
Since he knows the next in line is even worse.

So there ain’t no quick solution
Without a sudden mass infusion
Of NAAATs to flush pollution out the door –

No, Manny cannot manage
When at such a disadvantage
It’s a burden, like our fannage, to endure.