Nationals Anthems

The juggernaut that is the Washington Nationals has lost its last game ever, beating the Braves 5-4 to end a 9-game skid. Time to break them up.

Break Up the Nationals

Break up the Nationals, they won the game today
Let’s all be rational, there’s nothing left to say
Their gloves like Hoover vacuums swallow every ball in play
Their pitchers hurling aspirin turn the hitters’ hairs to grey
When the other team makes mistakes the Nats will always make them pay
Oh -
Break up the Nationals, they won the game today.

I’ve had this song kicking around for a long time, since last season when we got Wily, to be exact. It’s what I think Jim Bowden must have been thinking when he made the deal, if what he was thinking was set to the tune of “Give it Away” by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I finally got a backing track for it thanks to Rob Balder’s generosity. He did a parody of the song called “Creative Commons Anthem” in praise of the Creative Commons licensing schemes that drive interest and fan interactivity with online creators, allowing them to build and expand their brand, and eventually offer tangible things that people buy to express their identification with the artist. He graciously agreed to let me use the track for this too. (By the way, the track was recorded by the awesome geek band Possible Oscar.)

Listen to the song here.

Wily Mo Pena

What I got I got a Wily Mo Pena
Never been a ballpark could contain ya
Went to Boston so Ortiz could train ya
Now here’s how I obtained ya

I said ‘Theo, here’s a brand new Yugo
And a couple albums by Menudo
And a player named later (that was Fruto)
For Wily Mo he hit the ball to Pluto’

Now that Wily Mo’s on the Nationals roster
They RPG got whole lot loftier
Miss down the middle, oh man it gonna cost ya
When Wily Mo park it in the Anacostia

Give it away give it away give it away now
Give it away give it away give it away now
Give it away give it away give it away now
I can’t tell if Theo’s high or just a moron”

Now I don’t wanna hear no moanin or bitchin
Bout the NL strike zone or quality of pitchin
When Wily square it up that ball go missin
“Louisville Slugger” written cross the stitchin

Stick Wily’s bat in the middle of the order
The pitchers’ arms get a whole lot shorter
He might develop psychological disorder
When Wily hit the ball cross the Maryland border

So his fielding’s a work in progress
With his upside there’s no contest
Left field is his permanent address
Good as Soriano but he cost a lot less

Give it away give it away give it away now
Give it away give it away give it away now
Give it away give it away give it away now
Batting number 5, it’s Wily Mo Pena
He’s my own mini-Manny - he’s Wily Mo Pena

Let me set the record straight. The turning point of Friday’s Game 1 win - and obviously of the series - was not Ovechkin’s game winning goal, or even the 2 3rd-period goals Mike Green scored to tie it at 4. The decisive moment came when Green crushed Thorien’s testicles with a slapshot on the power play. (The latest news is he won’t need surgery, thank goodness, but he’ll be walking funny for quite a while.) The Caps stole Philly’s balls and then the game and inevitably the series.

So I offer a smorgasbord of fresh chant options for Game 2 and beyond:

“Ball-crushing slapshot!” clap clap clap-clap-clap
“Crush Those Nads! Crush Those Nads!”
clap clap clap-clap-clap, clap-clap-clap-clap, “Eu-nuch!”

The Capitals
Will steal your balls
And never give them back
Their bodycheck
Will break your neck
And their shots will crush your sack